BEFORE: In Rhys Southan’s “Is Art a Waste of Time?”, EA was introduced and it was clear from the start that EA members do view art as a waste of time. Southan explained EA’s shallow pond analogy, which stated “Suppose you saw a child drowning in a pond: would you jump in and rescue her, even if you hadn’t pushed her in? Even if it meant ruining your clothes?…Any break we take from working to reduce suffering throughout the world is like having a leisurely nap beside a lake where thousands of children are screaming for our help”.  From this quote and others throughout Southan’s work, it is obvious that Effective Altruism members believe that any action other than donating money is not a worthwhile effort to improve the world. While I believe that we should do all we can to help the needy, I do not agree with this statement. I think it is a very extreme idea and that it undermines all of the other ways to improve the world, including art and music. Southan also introduced Effective Altruism’s radical concept of replaceability to convey EA’s views on doing good.

AFTER: In Rhys Southan’s “Is Art a Waste of Time?”, Effective Altruism was introduced and it was clear from the start that EA members do view art as a waste of time. Southan explained Peter Singer’s shallow pond analogy, which stated “Suppose you saw a child drowning in a pond: would you jump in and rescue her, even if you hadn’t pushed her in? Even if it meant ruining your clothes?…Any break we take from working to reduce suffering throughout the world is like having a leisurely nap beside a lake where thousands of children are screaming for our help” This quote and others throughout Southan’s work make it obvious that Effective Altruism members believe that any action other than donating money is not a worthwhile effort to improve the world. While I believe that we should do all we can to help those in need, I do not agree with this statement. I think it is a very extreme idea and that it undermines all of the other ways to improve the world, including art and music.

One of the main revisions I made for this paragraph was taking out the last sentence. I tried to use it as a transition into my next paragraph, but it detracted from my argument and distracted the reader. Deleting it helped make the end of my paragraph more clear and I can use the last sentence as the topic sentence for my next paragraph instead.

BEFORE: Towards the end of Benjamin Zander’s TED Talk, he described a realization he had as a conductor; the realization was that “…the conductor doesn’t make a sound. He depends, for his power, on his ability to make other people powerful. And that changed everything for me. It was totally life-changing”. I think that is a very meaningful statement. As Zander described, being powerful includes helping others to be their best. This is an example of how small acts of goodness can change the world for the better.

AFTER: Towards the end of Benjamin Zander’s TED Talk, he described a realization he had as a conductor; the realization was that “…the conductor doesn’t make a sound. He depends, for his power, on his ability to make other people powerful. And that changed everything for me. It was totally life-changing”. I think that is a very meaningful statement. Power is defined as “the ability to influence the way people act or think in important ways” (Cambridge English Dictionary). As Zander described, being powerful includes helping others to be their best. As a conductor, empowering the orchestra allows the audience to feel the effects of the music much more strongly. This is an example of how small acts of goodness can change the world for the better. 

For this paragraph, I added the definition of power and described how it relates to Benjamin Zander’s TED Talk. I think that this edit made my argument stronger because I used a reliable outside source and used it to support my claim. Early in my paper, I define art and use it to explain my thesis; I think that strategy worked well there and in this paragraph.